Numb

Coming from a town, of 10,000, no homeless people, drugs are hidden & rare, to a city of 800,000, the most homeless people per capita in all of America, drugs right in your face, is overwhelming to say the least. My first few weeks here, I was the timid little girl, that stood behind everyone else, I never spoke first, I wouldn't walk up to a homeless person, ever.


Now, being here for a few months, I have gotten used to seeing people sleeping on the hard, cold, cement ground, outside of Glide, I am used to people shooting up right in front of me, I am used to getting yelled at. The sad thing is, these things, I have all become numb to. 


The other day, I was sitting inside, looking out the window, watching a woman pick through our garbage can, I am used to it, I felt bad for her, but not like I thought I should. If I would have seen someone picking through garbage back home, I would have looked at them so horrifically, I would judge them for being pigs, for touching such unclean things. Now, I see them and I feel bad for them, yet I feel like my heart isn't breaking enough, I wasn't judging the woman, but I didn't feel like I was hurting for her, I wish I could have.


I pray everyday asking God to break me, I don't have much time here, I want him to break my heart, for what breaks his, I want to hurt for these people, I want to feel their pain. I hope that will happen in the few days I have left here.


These people, on the streets, are just like we are, except something went wrong, one little thing happened in their life, in which put them on the streets. The majority of the people living on the streets don't want to be there, but surprisingly, some people choose to live there, they feel more comfortable on the streets then in a house.


I have become numb, I am used to the smell & the sight of human feces and urine while I walk down the street, the smell of marijuana everywhere you go, people talking inappropriately to me on every street corner, women mocking me, calling me names as I walk past them, for no reason, other then the amount of alcohol or powder in their systems.


I know that maybe I still am feeling the hurt that I always have, except I am used to it, I have been in this situation for two and a half months, I know what happens on the streets, maybe I just have more knowledge, I know how to handle myself and conduct myself around them. I know it isn't a bad thing, it is just something I have noticed.


God is working in the Tenderloin though, don't get me wrong.
Yesterday, I was at homeless church and a man was there by the name of John, he knew everything about the bible,  I was so surprised, I don't know anything close to as much as he does. People on the streets know the bible, they know the word, they know christianity, yet they just made a few mistakes, doesn't make them horrible people, you would be surprised at the knowledge out on the streets of the Tenderloin.


Tessa