For the past few weeks, I have been praying for God to really rock me in the time I have left here, I had been asking for a few weeks, nothing was happening, it was becoming same old same old. Until Friday evening, I go to final debrief with our team. I can tell that something is going on, a few of the leaders aren't there, they are talking to one of the youth. While the kids were talking about their experiences here, one of the youth leaders walks downstairs, with tears in her eyes, as soon as she got the opportunity she told us that one of the girls had a panic attack and was attacked spiritually. She was going in and out of consciousness and couldn't breath. They had to call 911.
My heart was beating so fast, and I got that gross feeling in the pit of my stomach.
She continued to say that we are in a spiritual battle, because the kids have had such an incredible time & God was so evident, Satan wanted to take back ground, he wanted to scare us, try to sway their thinking that this mission trip was not a success.
Everyone stood up and we all huddled together in a group, we all prayed together for a couple minutes, Sam was playing guitar and singing , everyone joined in singing "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then what could stand against" It was SO powerful. Instead of crying and being afraid of what may happen. We worshipped, I broke down, I knew that God was here, he was rocking me, he answered my prayer. I wanted God to rock me because I wanted to come home with a story, that showed how powerful he truly is & always will be, he did just that. Whatever you ask from God, he will answer. The kids belted out these worship songs, we sang for probably half an hour, these kids were incredible, throughout the songs smiles were more evident, I couldn't get my smile of my face. It was such a blessing, God was being so visible in that moment, he was so evident, everybody could feel him.
I will not be working with a team this week, because there is only one small group that will be coming, but I'm happy about that, I ended with probably one of my favourite groups.
I cannot believe that in one week from now, I am on an airplane flying home, I am having such mixed feelings about it. I am so excited to go home, see my family, be back in Winkler, my home. But I am also so sad to say goodbye to the people I have met here, I haven't met better people, they have helped me so much on my spiritual walk, they have helped mould me into the woman of Christ I now am. I will sad to say goodbye to San Francisco, the things that happened here, the emotions I felt here, I truly will leave a piece of my heart in San Francisco, such a beautiful city in many different ways.
This week I will be having a lot of time off, just to really reflect on my time here, having to adjust to going home & going into the "real world" the culture shock that will come with that.
So, Winkler, I will see you in 6 days & 7 sleeps :)
Tessa
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Monday, 1 August 2011
Numb
Coming from a town, of 10,000, no homeless people, drugs are hidden & rare, to a city of 800,000, the most homeless people per capita in all of America, drugs right in your face, is overwhelming to say the least. My first few weeks here, I was the timid little girl, that stood behind everyone else, I never spoke first, I wouldn't walk up to a homeless person, ever.
Now, being here for a few months, I have gotten used to seeing people sleeping on the hard, cold, cement ground, outside of Glide, I am used to people shooting up right in front of me, I am used to getting yelled at. The sad thing is, these things, I have all become numb to.
The other day, I was sitting inside, looking out the window, watching a woman pick through our garbage can, I am used to it, I felt bad for her, but not like I thought I should. If I would have seen someone picking through garbage back home, I would have looked at them so horrifically, I would judge them for being pigs, for touching such unclean things. Now, I see them and I feel bad for them, yet I feel like my heart isn't breaking enough, I wasn't judging the woman, but I didn't feel like I was hurting for her, I wish I could have.
I pray everyday asking God to break me, I don't have much time here, I want him to break my heart, for what breaks his, I want to hurt for these people, I want to feel their pain. I hope that will happen in the few days I have left here.
These people, on the streets, are just like we are, except something went wrong, one little thing happened in their life, in which put them on the streets. The majority of the people living on the streets don't want to be there, but surprisingly, some people choose to live there, they feel more comfortable on the streets then in a house.
I have become numb, I am used to the smell & the sight of human feces and urine while I walk down the street, the smell of marijuana everywhere you go, people talking inappropriately to me on every street corner, women mocking me, calling me names as I walk past them, for no reason, other then the amount of alcohol or powder in their systems.
I know that maybe I still am feeling the hurt that I always have, except I am used to it, I have been in this situation for two and a half months, I know what happens on the streets, maybe I just have more knowledge, I know how to handle myself and conduct myself around them. I know it isn't a bad thing, it is just something I have noticed.
God is working in the Tenderloin though, don't get me wrong.
Yesterday, I was at homeless church and a man was there by the name of John, he knew everything about the bible, I was so surprised, I don't know anything close to as much as he does. People on the streets know the bible, they know the word, they know christianity, yet they just made a few mistakes, doesn't make them horrible people, you would be surprised at the knowledge out on the streets of the Tenderloin.
Tessa
Now, being here for a few months, I have gotten used to seeing people sleeping on the hard, cold, cement ground, outside of Glide, I am used to people shooting up right in front of me, I am used to getting yelled at. The sad thing is, these things, I have all become numb to.
The other day, I was sitting inside, looking out the window, watching a woman pick through our garbage can, I am used to it, I felt bad for her, but not like I thought I should. If I would have seen someone picking through garbage back home, I would have looked at them so horrifically, I would judge them for being pigs, for touching such unclean things. Now, I see them and I feel bad for them, yet I feel like my heart isn't breaking enough, I wasn't judging the woman, but I didn't feel like I was hurting for her, I wish I could have.
I pray everyday asking God to break me, I don't have much time here, I want him to break my heart, for what breaks his, I want to hurt for these people, I want to feel their pain. I hope that will happen in the few days I have left here.
These people, on the streets, are just like we are, except something went wrong, one little thing happened in their life, in which put them on the streets. The majority of the people living on the streets don't want to be there, but surprisingly, some people choose to live there, they feel more comfortable on the streets then in a house.
I have become numb, I am used to the smell & the sight of human feces and urine while I walk down the street, the smell of marijuana everywhere you go, people talking inappropriately to me on every street corner, women mocking me, calling me names as I walk past them, for no reason, other then the amount of alcohol or powder in their systems.
I know that maybe I still am feeling the hurt that I always have, except I am used to it, I have been in this situation for two and a half months, I know what happens on the streets, maybe I just have more knowledge, I know how to handle myself and conduct myself around them. I know it isn't a bad thing, it is just something I have noticed.
God is working in the Tenderloin though, don't get me wrong.
Yesterday, I was at homeless church and a man was there by the name of John, he knew everything about the bible, I was so surprised, I don't know anything close to as much as he does. People on the streets know the bible, they know the word, they know christianity, yet they just made a few mistakes, doesn't make them horrible people, you would be surprised at the knowledge out on the streets of the Tenderloin.
Tessa
Closing In
It's hard to believe that my time here is coming to an end. We only have about a week and a half left of work. These two months have flown by so quickly, I have learned so much in these past months, most people have said I have "grown up" in these months, so neat.
I have mixed emotions about nearing the end here in San Francisco, I am so excited to go home, but I am sad to leave the amazing people I have met here, they have helped me so much in my growth spiritually here. I am leaving the ywam bubble and going to Winkler, back to the real world. I am ready to go home, I love it here, but I know that my heart is in Winkler, with my family.
God worked in incredible ways this summer, I saw him through homeless people, through children, through youth, so many ways. I am excited about my new found faith, the craving I am having for God, I don't want it to leave me when I get home, I want it to intensify, to grow passionately.
I am so excited to see everyone back home, only 13 days left, so incredible!!!!! I have so many stories :)
Tessa
I have mixed emotions about nearing the end here in San Francisco, I am so excited to go home, but I am sad to leave the amazing people I have met here, they have helped me so much in my growth spiritually here. I am leaving the ywam bubble and going to Winkler, back to the real world. I am ready to go home, I love it here, but I know that my heart is in Winkler, with my family.
God worked in incredible ways this summer, I saw him through homeless people, through children, through youth, so many ways. I am excited about my new found faith, the craving I am having for God, I don't want it to leave me when I get home, I want it to intensify, to grow passionately.
I am so excited to see everyone back home, only 13 days left, so incredible!!!!! I have so many stories :)
Tessa
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Baptized
Before I came to San Francisco, I had strongly thought about baptism, but never had the courage to follow through with it. For the past year, every time they would announce Baptism classes, I got that gut feeling, the one where you know you are supposed to do it. I never felt comfortable enough in my church to do it, I wasn't a member and was too scared to go in front of hundreds of people to share my testimony, I know I would have burst into tears right aways, for no reason at all.
When I was getting ready to come here, I told my parents that I may get baptized here, in San Francisco, if I felt God was telling me to, they were on board with me, but I wasn't sure, until the day one of the 360 members from YWAM was getting baptized, I was in my room and really felt like I needed to do it here. I have never had close friends throughout all of my school years, but the day I got here, I felt loved. All the people that I am here with love me, wants what is best for me & care so incredibly much for me. I know I will never find as incredible friends as I have made here, I am so blessed to have them here & I wanted to share this moment with them, because I know for myself I was ready to be baptized and make that commitment a long time ago.
Baptism to me was publicly declaring my love for God, making a commitment to God that I would be in relationship with him, spend time in the bible and praying, and being another step in my faith journey.
Jeremiah 18 has been one of my favourite verses, showing that we need to live God's will for us and not our own, I have found that for myself.
This morning I woke up, and just spent time in God's presence I was listening to music and the song "Dive" by Steven Curtis Chapman really hit me, it's about diving in for God, not caring if you sink or swim, just doing what he wants in our lives...
When we got to the beach, Sam & Mikel played a few worship songs, then Steve talked about what baptism is, then the biggest surprise of all, Katya opened up a piece of paper, that my mom had wrote to me, just for this special day, and let me tell you the tears were flowing, that was really special to me, nobody but my mother can make me cry at a time like that! I shared why I was getting baptized, what it meant to me, and a few verses. Then we went into the water, it was so cold, but my body became numb before I was dunked, so it wasn't as cold then. The waves were crashing against us, is what a really beautiful picture. I wasn't sure what I was going to feel as I was going under, but it was just calmness, no God high, but just a feeling of content and love from everyone. They all gathered around me after & prayed for me, it was really neat, I have never felt as loved as I was right at that moment!
I am so excited that I got to get baptized here, in San Francisco, in the ocean. It's been such a blessing to be here, but I do miss home, and cannot wait to see everyone, especially my family & Roberto!
20 days left lovely people, 20 days!
Tessa
When I was getting ready to come here, I told my parents that I may get baptized here, in San Francisco, if I felt God was telling me to, they were on board with me, but I wasn't sure, until the day one of the 360 members from YWAM was getting baptized, I was in my room and really felt like I needed to do it here. I have never had close friends throughout all of my school years, but the day I got here, I felt loved. All the people that I am here with love me, wants what is best for me & care so incredibly much for me. I know I will never find as incredible friends as I have made here, I am so blessed to have them here & I wanted to share this moment with them, because I know for myself I was ready to be baptized and make that commitment a long time ago.
Baptism to me was publicly declaring my love for God, making a commitment to God that I would be in relationship with him, spend time in the bible and praying, and being another step in my faith journey.
Jeremiah 18 has been one of my favourite verses, showing that we need to live God's will for us and not our own, I have found that for myself.
This morning I woke up, and just spent time in God's presence I was listening to music and the song "Dive" by Steven Curtis Chapman really hit me, it's about diving in for God, not caring if you sink or swim, just doing what he wants in our lives...
When we got to the beach, Sam & Mikel played a few worship songs, then Steve talked about what baptism is, then the biggest surprise of all, Katya opened up a piece of paper, that my mom had wrote to me, just for this special day, and let me tell you the tears were flowing, that was really special to me, nobody but my mother can make me cry at a time like that! I shared why I was getting baptized, what it meant to me, and a few verses. Then we went into the water, it was so cold, but my body became numb before I was dunked, so it wasn't as cold then. The waves were crashing against us, is what a really beautiful picture. I wasn't sure what I was going to feel as I was going under, but it was just calmness, no God high, but just a feeling of content and love from everyone. They all gathered around me after & prayed for me, it was really neat, I have never felt as loved as I was right at that moment!
I am so excited that I got to get baptized here, in San Francisco, in the ocean. It's been such a blessing to be here, but I do miss home, and cannot wait to see everyone, especially my family & Roberto!
20 days left lovely people, 20 days!
Tessa
Friday, 22 July 2011
Temporary Home
Often times, we think that the only people making a difference in this world, religiously, are missionaries. At the beginning of my time here, in San Francisco, I had similar thoughts, I am not doing anything unless I am working away from home, left all my family & friends, and live in a run down apartment, preaching the gospel to those less fortunate. This is false, I can make a difference in my hometown. Today, Steve was teaching, and he said so many times, not everyone is called to get out of their homes, and leave everything to be missional. We can be missional wherever we are.
It has taken me a lot of time to figure that out, and understand that fully, but I know that when I get home, I will be able to make a difference in the lives there. For the first few weeks of being here, I was stubborn, I wasn't allowing God to talk to me or tell me what my other options were, because I had my own plan of what I was going to do after the summer, a few weeks ago God broke me, I made decisions in spite of how others would be affected, I was only thinking about myself. I thought, in that week, that I was going to move to California, and be a missionary, forever, leave everything and everyone back home and start a "new" life here. But a week after this all happened, I started to realize what I had back home, the amazing people that love me unconditionally, even after screwing up & hurting them when I didn't try to. But now I see what I have, and I don't want to leave that, I think God is allowing me to choose, he gives us paths that we can choose from, all are correct, but we have the freedom to choose. God knows we will succeed in all the paths, but it is up to us to decide.
Not everyone here is on board with my choice of going home & not doing a DTS, but I am trusting God that this is what I need to do and I know that I can do things back home to help those in need.
God just wants us to put him first, if we put him first in everything we do, he will be happy. We have to see this world as being our temporary home & heaven being our eternal home. We need to seek after eternal rewards, not those of this world. But God still wants us to have fun in this life, go, do crazy things, have relationships with others, friendships, but first and foremost seek a relationship with Christ, because he is the only one who can truly satisfy us, he never changes, yet this world is always changing.
I have been dealing with understanding my thoughts lately, I have become very quiet and very introverted, yet I don't think it is a bad thing, I am figuring out God's plan for me, not through other people telling me what I should do, but through God & I talking, thinking through what may happen.
God is always good, he will always love us, even when we feel distant from him.
Tessa
P.S. 22 Days people :)
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Rounding the Corner
This week, I am working with a team from Minneapolis, Minnesota. It is so great to have people here from so close to where I am from. The team arrived here yesterday, and will be leaving Saturday morning. They have been really great so far, you can tell that they are from Minnesota, they seem very down to earth, small town USA kids, which I love. They are more intimidated by the people on the streets, and are a little more hesitant, but I hope we can break that, and they will be able to really grow spiritually this week!
Everyone of us summer interns are really feeling that we are hitting the end of this, I know for myself I am not attaching myself emotionally as I have done in the past, I feel like I am now ready to be at home, but I will make the most of my time here, because time will fly by & soon enough I will be home :) so excited.
I have decided to get baptized here, in San Francisco. I will be getting baptized on Sunday, July 24 at 3:00, in the ocean by Steve, who is the director of Mission Adventures & has been with us from the start. I am very excited to take this leap of faith, I feel I have been ready to do this for awhile, I just haven't had the courage to attend classes & had fear of talking in front of hundreds of people. I really feel God is telling me to get baptized here, I never have had close friends, who took me for who I really was, I always had to measure up to something, was always trying to be better then, but here they accept me, and have walked along side me on my spiritual journey. These past few months, I have truly been able to grow spiritually, and I have seen God work countless times. I had to leave the country and get into the YWAM bubble to do it, but I am so glad I did, I have become such a better person, I truly believe that.
I am so excited to bring what I have learned in San Francisco & apply it in Winkler. I want to really make a difference in lives there.
25 days till I see the best people in the whole wide world!!!!
Tessa
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Homesick
This morning, I went with Rachael, Bethany, & David to the Homeless Church, they run it outside, at Embarcadero, which is very close to the water, it is very pretty. The pastor lead everyone in a few songs, then we helped hand out coffee and cookies. The pastor then talked to everyone about having the Holy Spirit inside of you, a man shared his testimony, and it was so encouraging to see, God really does move through homeless people too, sometimes more evidently then ourselves. After, we handed out pancakes & eggs, everyone was so thankful for what they were given, those people are such blessings.
Because I have been working in the kitchen for the past two weeks, I haven't been able to interact with the homeless, which has been disappointing, I can already tell that I am a little more guarded with them, more hesitant to speak with them, but I will pray that God will break down that barrier for the remaining four weeks.
This past Friday, we did something called the Love Feast. We made pasta, salad & dessert, we open the doors to the homeless, we wait on them, serve them, and many of the kids get to sit down and interact with them. I met some of the kids from the MA team that was here only this day, and it was sad because of the 75 kids, I only knew 3 of their names. I met Spencer, Jake & Tyler. They were helping give the dessert away. They were such great, genuine guys, they asked me how old they looked & I said 17, but they actually just turned 16, I couldn't believe it, because I realized they were Brett's age, which totally threw me off, because it just shows how old my little brother is getting to be :) awwwwe.
I told them I was from Canada, so they are going to make a rap for me and post it on my facebook page, I am very excited to hear what it sounds like. It has been hard having so many kids coming through and not being able to connect with them and talk to them about spiritual things, I am so excited for the coming week and what God has in store for the kids, and for myself, every week God has blessed me so much, and each week I have grown as an individual & as a believer.
I have really enjoyed my time here in San Francisco, but I am definitely getting homesick, starting the countdown, wishing sometimes I was in Winkler, rather then San Francisco. But, I know that my time here is short & when I get home, it'll feel like I never left, so I will live in the moment here, but I do miss everyone :)
28 Days till Winkler, Manitoba, Canada :)
Tessa
Because I have been working in the kitchen for the past two weeks, I haven't been able to interact with the homeless, which has been disappointing, I can already tell that I am a little more guarded with them, more hesitant to speak with them, but I will pray that God will break down that barrier for the remaining four weeks.
This past Friday, we did something called the Love Feast. We made pasta, salad & dessert, we open the doors to the homeless, we wait on them, serve them, and many of the kids get to sit down and interact with them. I met some of the kids from the MA team that was here only this day, and it was sad because of the 75 kids, I only knew 3 of their names. I met Spencer, Jake & Tyler. They were helping give the dessert away. They were such great, genuine guys, they asked me how old they looked & I said 17, but they actually just turned 16, I couldn't believe it, because I realized they were Brett's age, which totally threw me off, because it just shows how old my little brother is getting to be :) awwwwe.
I told them I was from Canada, so they are going to make a rap for me and post it on my facebook page, I am very excited to hear what it sounds like. It has been hard having so many kids coming through and not being able to connect with them and talk to them about spiritual things, I am so excited for the coming week and what God has in store for the kids, and for myself, every week God has blessed me so much, and each week I have grown as an individual & as a believer.
I have really enjoyed my time here in San Francisco, but I am definitely getting homesick, starting the countdown, wishing sometimes I was in Winkler, rather then San Francisco. But, I know that my time here is short & when I get home, it'll feel like I never left, so I will live in the moment here, but I do miss everyone :)
28 Days till Winkler, Manitoba, Canada :)
Tessa
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Transforming
Typical day in the life of a SOS YWAMer :)
7:00am Breakfast
7:45am Morning Work Duties (kids have duties throughout the building)
8:30am Worship\Teaching
10:30 Team Time (the groups have time alone as a group, with no YWAM staff)
12:00 - 5:00 The groups do different things...
Bucket Brigade - The group go out into the TL and go in stores and clean things that need cleaning, if it is sweeping or mopping, dusting or cleaning the windows.
Prayer Walk - The group goes out into San Francisco & prays for numerous things, depending on what type of walk it is.
Homeless Plunge - This starts at 5:45am when they are kicked out and given money only for one bus transfer, they are homeless for the day, they were the clothes they wore to bed, they are kicked out of our building till 4.
*These are just a few of the things the groups go out and do
5:00pm Supper
5:45pm Evening Work Duties
6:00-10:00 Different things
Hot Chocolate - The groups go out onto the streets with jugs of hot chocolate, handing it out to the homeless people, making conversation. It isn't about the amount of cups of hot chocolate you pour out, it is about the conversation you are engaged in.
10:00pm Quiet Time
11:00pm Lights Out
These past two weeks, I have been in the kitchen, it is a lot more physically demanding then working with MA groups, I definitely enjoy working with the groups then being in the kitchen not interacting with others, I am definitely a people person.
God has been transforming me so evidently, everyone here at YWAM know that things are going on in my life and I am changing so darn drastically, they are always so excited for what I have to say. Many of times, I will tell them something and they say "Awe, we are so proud of you." I love hearing that, I have never had close friends that I could talk to about anything personal or spiritual, but now I have that here.
I have made mistakes throughout this entire process, that have hurt myself and others in different ways, but I think everything happens for a reason, and we become stronger for it, we become better christians, we can learn from our mistakes. I am so thankful for the forgiveness God gives us, I have had to ask for it here countless times & sometimes I have to forgive, even just in my head, because God forgave me, I will and can forgive others. It is such a blessing, everything here has been! I am so thankful my family & friends pushed me to come here, because they knew I would be radically transformed & rocked, that has happened.
I am missing home a lot right now, but we only have about 4 weeks left here and I know when I get home, it will feel like I never left, but I will take what I have learnt here and bring it home with me. I want to make a difference in the lives of people in my own community - Winkler. I want to volunteer a lot of my time throughout the week, just serving & blessing others. I am so excited for God's plan for me, it has become a lot more clear in the past week, and I am so thankful for that.
God is so good.
Tessa
7:00am Breakfast
7:45am Morning Work Duties (kids have duties throughout the building)
8:30am Worship\Teaching
10:30 Team Time (the groups have time alone as a group, with no YWAM staff)
12:00 - 5:00 The groups do different things...
Bucket Brigade - The group go out into the TL and go in stores and clean things that need cleaning, if it is sweeping or mopping, dusting or cleaning the windows.
Prayer Walk - The group goes out into San Francisco & prays for numerous things, depending on what type of walk it is.
Homeless Plunge - This starts at 5:45am when they are kicked out and given money only for one bus transfer, they are homeless for the day, they were the clothes they wore to bed, they are kicked out of our building till 4.
*These are just a few of the things the groups go out and do
5:00pm Supper
5:45pm Evening Work Duties
6:00-10:00 Different things
Hot Chocolate - The groups go out onto the streets with jugs of hot chocolate, handing it out to the homeless people, making conversation. It isn't about the amount of cups of hot chocolate you pour out, it is about the conversation you are engaged in.
10:00pm Quiet Time
11:00pm Lights Out
These past two weeks, I have been in the kitchen, it is a lot more physically demanding then working with MA groups, I definitely enjoy working with the groups then being in the kitchen not interacting with others, I am definitely a people person.
God has been transforming me so evidently, everyone here at YWAM know that things are going on in my life and I am changing so darn drastically, they are always so excited for what I have to say. Many of times, I will tell them something and they say "Awe, we are so proud of you." I love hearing that, I have never had close friends that I could talk to about anything personal or spiritual, but now I have that here.
I have made mistakes throughout this entire process, that have hurt myself and others in different ways, but I think everything happens for a reason, and we become stronger for it, we become better christians, we can learn from our mistakes. I am so thankful for the forgiveness God gives us, I have had to ask for it here countless times & sometimes I have to forgive, even just in my head, because God forgave me, I will and can forgive others. It is such a blessing, everything here has been! I am so thankful my family & friends pushed me to come here, because they knew I would be radically transformed & rocked, that has happened.
I am missing home a lot right now, but we only have about 4 weeks left here and I know when I get home, it will feel like I never left, but I will take what I have learnt here and bring it home with me. I want to make a difference in the lives of people in my own community - Winkler. I want to volunteer a lot of my time throughout the week, just serving & blessing others. I am so excited for God's plan for me, it has become a lot more clear in the past week, and I am so thankful for that.
God is so good.
Tessa
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Give Me Your Eyes
Like I have already said, many things have been going on in my life, life changing things.
I'm realizing what I am being called to do, what God wants for my life, being more intimate with him; being in relationship.
I had my life planned out, the next three years were all a go, until I came here. Everything Changed.
I'm sure I could continue with those plans, but it wouldn't be God's Will for me, he has showed me my potential, what I can do in this life, the lives I can change. I will probably only be home for a couple of months before I come back to San Francisco & do a DTS (discipleship training school), this is a six month program, the first three months is lecture phase, we have classes about many different parts of the christian body, the bible, living out the truth & much more. The remaining three months is outreach, we will stay in San Francisco for one month ministering to the people here, on the streets, the other two months will happen in Italy & Turkey. I was the girl in the beginning of my time here that said "I will never do a DTS, I have my whole life planned out." Wow, God totally rocked me, he knows what is best for his children, for me. I told one of the girls that I am close to, last week, that I feel like God is calling me to more then I really know, then I ever thought. I feel like maybe God is calling me to be in California, to help the people here. I always told my mom "I am going to be the one child that you have that will always stay in Winkler, will settle down, do the whole white picket fence & live happily ever after." Nope, I may now be the child that is the furthest away in distance, doing the craziest stuff, who ever would have though, definitely not me...
I am very sure that I will be doing my DTS here in San Francisco, I will continue to pray about what will happen after that, but for now I am going to trust in the Lord, let him know what I am going to do, and for me to rely on him. I have been learning how to trust God with my life, giving things up for him, loving him unconditionally. I have grown up so much here, I am so blessed to have the people around me that I do, each one has blessed me in one way or another. Up until this past week, I was counting down the days till I was home in Winkler, but now, I wish I had more time here, to help these people, I wish I could stay here for so much longer, now I don't want to leave... God is Great.
I want to see what God sees in the people on the streets, they are like a dollar bill.
A dollar bill is valued the same if it is clean, not wrinkled up & dirty, then if it was spit on and had rips.
Maybe the people on the streets have some rips, been wrecked, but in God's eyes they are that clean crisp dollar bill, everyone is valued the same in God's eyes, I want to see like God sees, I think we all need to see with God's eyes...
Jeremiah 18 has really struck me this past month, no matter what, God is in control of what I am, we find our identity in him, not our possessions. I can't be a cup if God is moulding me to be a plate, we have to walk with him, we have to allow him to work through us, we don't want to be something we weren't meant to be, I am sure everyone can relate to this in some way or another. So, are you letting God mould you into the person he has called you to be?
Tessa
I'm realizing what I am being called to do, what God wants for my life, being more intimate with him; being in relationship.
I had my life planned out, the next three years were all a go, until I came here. Everything Changed.
I'm sure I could continue with those plans, but it wouldn't be God's Will for me, he has showed me my potential, what I can do in this life, the lives I can change. I will probably only be home for a couple of months before I come back to San Francisco & do a DTS (discipleship training school), this is a six month program, the first three months is lecture phase, we have classes about many different parts of the christian body, the bible, living out the truth & much more. The remaining three months is outreach, we will stay in San Francisco for one month ministering to the people here, on the streets, the other two months will happen in Italy & Turkey. I was the girl in the beginning of my time here that said "I will never do a DTS, I have my whole life planned out." Wow, God totally rocked me, he knows what is best for his children, for me. I told one of the girls that I am close to, last week, that I feel like God is calling me to more then I really know, then I ever thought. I feel like maybe God is calling me to be in California, to help the people here. I always told my mom "I am going to be the one child that you have that will always stay in Winkler, will settle down, do the whole white picket fence & live happily ever after." Nope, I may now be the child that is the furthest away in distance, doing the craziest stuff, who ever would have though, definitely not me...
I am very sure that I will be doing my DTS here in San Francisco, I will continue to pray about what will happen after that, but for now I am going to trust in the Lord, let him know what I am going to do, and for me to rely on him. I have been learning how to trust God with my life, giving things up for him, loving him unconditionally. I have grown up so much here, I am so blessed to have the people around me that I do, each one has blessed me in one way or another. Up until this past week, I was counting down the days till I was home in Winkler, but now, I wish I had more time here, to help these people, I wish I could stay here for so much longer, now I don't want to leave... God is Great.
I want to see what God sees in the people on the streets, they are like a dollar bill.
A dollar bill is valued the same if it is clean, not wrinkled up & dirty, then if it was spit on and had rips.
Maybe the people on the streets have some rips, been wrecked, but in God's eyes they are that clean crisp dollar bill, everyone is valued the same in God's eyes, I want to see like God sees, I think we all need to see with God's eyes...
Jeremiah 18 has really struck me this past month, no matter what, God is in control of what I am, we find our identity in him, not our possessions. I can't be a cup if God is moulding me to be a plate, we have to walk with him, we have to allow him to work through us, we don't want to be something we weren't meant to be, I am sure everyone can relate to this in some way or another. So, are you letting God mould you into the person he has called you to be?
Tessa
At The Potter's House
1 This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: 2 “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” 3 So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
5 Then the word of the LORD came to me. 6 He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. 7 If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, 8 and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. 9 And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, 10 and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it.
5 Then the word of the LORD came to me. 6 He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. 7 If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, 8 and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. 9 And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, 10 and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it.
Saturday, 2 July 2011
180 Degrees
A miner goes into a cave, he knows exactly what he wants, a pure, precious piece of gold, but it is covered in dirt, mud & filth. He picks up the dirty piece of gold and puts it over a fire, it burns, the mud, the dirt, all the bad things start to fall off, and he knows that it is right when he can see his reflection in it.
God is the miner, we are the piece of gold, the dirty piece of gold. In order for us to be better christian's we need to be burnt, we need to be put under pressure, under circumstances we aren't used to. God has just turned the temperature up on me. I have burning, the heat is getting hotter, it doesn't always feel good, but for God, I would do anything, I know I will gain so much more then I would ever lose, if I have God with me & I am obedient to me.
There are so many stories from this past week, it has been the greatest & the worst week so far, the most challenging week & the most eye opening. For once, I don't know what my plans are anymore, I am surrendering them to God, he can do what he wants with them, I just want to follow him. I would go through all the valleys of this week, just to do it again, because it was so rewarding.
This week, the kids we had through MA were incredible, words cannot describe the groups, I love them all! Each and every single one of them, including the leaders, changed so drastically from Monday to Saturday. God worked in everyones lives this week, including mine, he has spoken so much to me about my life and where I am headed & which paths I should be taking.
I just wanted everyone to know that I have been changed in so many ways, gosh, it is just so amazing, priceless! I will not be the same person that I was before this trip, I am so changed, because of God & the incredible people I have met here!
I have completed flipped, done a 180, my heart is so content right now. Up until this week, I had a countdown of the days till I was going home, but now, I want to stay in California, I don't want to go home, I love these people here so much, I have made such a change in peoples lives, I am realizing my potential as a woman, and as a believer. Things here are amazing!
Tessa
God is the miner, we are the piece of gold, the dirty piece of gold. In order for us to be better christian's we need to be burnt, we need to be put under pressure, under circumstances we aren't used to. God has just turned the temperature up on me. I have burning, the heat is getting hotter, it doesn't always feel good, but for God, I would do anything, I know I will gain so much more then I would ever lose, if I have God with me & I am obedient to me.
There are so many stories from this past week, it has been the greatest & the worst week so far, the most challenging week & the most eye opening. For once, I don't know what my plans are anymore, I am surrendering them to God, he can do what he wants with them, I just want to follow him. I would go through all the valleys of this week, just to do it again, because it was so rewarding.
This week, the kids we had through MA were incredible, words cannot describe the groups, I love them all! Each and every single one of them, including the leaders, changed so drastically from Monday to Saturday. God worked in everyones lives this week, including mine, he has spoken so much to me about my life and where I am headed & which paths I should be taking.
I just wanted everyone to know that I have been changed in so many ways, gosh, it is just so amazing, priceless! I will not be the same person that I was before this trip, I am so changed, because of God & the incredible people I have met here!
I have completed flipped, done a 180, my heart is so content right now. Up until this week, I had a countdown of the days till I was going home, but now, I want to stay in California, I don't want to go home, I love these people here so much, I have made such a change in peoples lives, I am realizing my potential as a woman, and as a believer. Things here are amazing!
Tessa
Friday, 24 June 2011
The People I've Met...
I have met some of the most remarkable people I will ever get to meet, I will never forget them.
On my first night of doing Hot Chocolate Ministry (we go out on the streets and give hot chocolate to the homeless) I met the sweetest man, he is probably in his late 20's to early 30's. We talked for about ten minutes that day and I have thought about him everyday since. Every time I was out on the streets I would look for him, but I never found him. A few days ago, while I was walking outside I heard "Hey Gorgeous" I looked back and it was him, I had the biggest smile on my face, I told him "Every time I see you, you look sad, what's up?" He looked up at me and said "That's what weed does to you." I told him that he could stop that, and he agreed, I asked him about his sister that he has in Pennsylvania, he told me he was going to call her when he got his new phone in July. "Just so you know Robert, I think about you every single day." I told him, he looked into my eyes and said "Well at least that's one person who thinks about me." This broke my heart, I am going to make it my goal to always look for him and give him a great big smile when I see him, I can see the pain in his eyes, the hurt he has inside. Yesterday, I saw him again, in the Ellis Room (a drop in center for the homeless that we have here at the YWAM base, they can play pool, ping pong, or just sit in a chair and be heard) I went and sat down right beside him and let him know that I still thought about him and he got a big smile on his face, it was the best feeling I've had, my heart breaks for him. After I had to leave, but he blew me a kiss, gosh I love homeless people, they have such big hearts and we don't give them the time of day! I also blew him back a kiss with a smile and laugh, it was the sweetest thing ever. Before I leave for home I want to buy him some necessities for just living on the streets, I want to bless him & treat him as if he had a home.
This past week, we did a Dessert Social with the MA Kids (we make cake & brownies and open the door to the homeless, serve them and talk with them) I was a waitress, but this sweet man caught my eye and he started telling me his life story...
At a young age, he caused an accident which killed seven people. He was put in juvi until the age of 18, then in his early 20's he was put in federal prison with a sentence of 20 years. He told me what jail is like, how crimes are being committed in jails, how the system is corrupt. He told me a man that has killed one person will be executed, but a man that has killed countless people will not be, this is for status reasons. He let me know that he was a cellmate to a very famous killer, who killed many prostitutes & women. He told me he had devil tattoos and when I googled the guy, it was him. Oscar (the man I was talking with) had just been released from jail 6 months ago, he had family but they didn't want anything to do with him, so he was homeless, and for a job\hobby he made soap that looked like a little bear, which is his nickname, because he lost his childhood because of what happened.
These are the people that I will never forget, they've left something on my heart, they've shown me pain, they've broken my heart with their stories. This is why I am here, I need to see a work in them, I want to show them Jesus, I want to work a miracle in their lives. God has brought me here to do that, and I will continue to fail everyday, because I am human, but that doesn't mean that I am not trying. I will continue to meet these amazing people, homeless people that are doctors, professors & business men, it can happen to anybody. So, the next time you walk past a homeless person, don't just walk by, look at them, give them a smile, let them know they are loved.
Breaking Point
This week has come with many ups & downs. I am not used to being around people 24\7, I'm not used to talking about God all the time, I'm not used to being away from home and this week I had a hard time connecting with the kids.
Having to live in community is difficult, you are always surrounded by people, not having many true friends throughout my life, I have had a hard time giving people my time and being open to ask about their lives, because I have been shut down so many times by "friends" I gave up trying to interact with people around me and thought they don't want to know what I am going through anyways. But, here it is totally different, these people truly love me and want what is best for me, and I am realizing that more & more everyday.
This week I dealt with some spiritual warfare, I had a nightmare, and it was very distinctly relating to the devil. Since that night, I have been able to peacefully sleep the whole night, and feel very good about it, sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I was up the past night and I heard worship songs, that has happened to me a few times, and am not sure if I did wake up or it was just in my head, but I know that God is protecting us. Thank you for your prayers, they have worked, none of the MA kids have had to deal with spiritual warfare this week, and after that first night we have all been doing well.
One evening, somebody asked us how we felt about speaking in tongues, I kind of freaked out in my head, I wasn't sure what I thought about this, but I know that some things work for other people and I couldn't judge them for that. I felt very overwhelmed & exhausted up until Thursday, but God worked in me last night and I am doing so much better.
I didn't connect as well with the kids this week as I did in the past week, I barely even knew any of their names, until Expressions (aka cry night) this is a time when the kid's reflect on their week, and most of the time they start looking at their lives and what they can do to be better. I hadn't talked to anyone that whole evening I was just reading my bible, but at the end, Mikel felt as though he wasn't supposed to be talking but somebody else was supposed to be there, so he left the mic open for anyone that had to say anything. A 16 year old boy came to the front with tear filled eyes and told us how he hadn't ever truly given his life to God, up until today. Everyone prayed for him and it connected us so much closer as a group. I felt so blessed to have these kids here and somewhat regretted not giving them a chance at the beginning of the week, because I missed my kids from the past week. God comes when we are at our breaking point, when we need him the most...
During Expressions, I asked God just to speak to me, in a way I could hear him. I heard the word "Love" the next song that came on was about God's love for us, I thought it was so great, when he speaks to us, he reassures us through different things - and this time it was in a song, so precious. I love love, maybe it's because I am head over heals for a Mr Kort, or because I love my family and would do anything for them or because I am falling in love with God at the moment. Whatever the reason, I am happy.
We have all been praying a lot this week, and it has shown, I feel so much better. At the beginning of the week, my negativity was coming through as being judgemental as well, but when those times came, I had to consciously stop myself, and ask God for help and he did.
I knew before I came here, that there would be a time when I would have to tell myself either I start counting down the days till I come home, or I say this is my one shot at doing this and I need to make the most of this. I told Brittni this, and she knew the exact feeling. So I am going to make the most of this, I will live in the moment and I won't countdown until I come home. To think that this experience is almost half way done is crazy, time is flying by, I have met some of the most amazing people, that I will never ever forget.
God will push you as far as you'll let him...
How far are you willing to go?
Having to live in community is difficult, you are always surrounded by people, not having many true friends throughout my life, I have had a hard time giving people my time and being open to ask about their lives, because I have been shut down so many times by "friends" I gave up trying to interact with people around me and thought they don't want to know what I am going through anyways. But, here it is totally different, these people truly love me and want what is best for me, and I am realizing that more & more everyday.
This week I dealt with some spiritual warfare, I had a nightmare, and it was very distinctly relating to the devil. Since that night, I have been able to peacefully sleep the whole night, and feel very good about it, sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I was up the past night and I heard worship songs, that has happened to me a few times, and am not sure if I did wake up or it was just in my head, but I know that God is protecting us. Thank you for your prayers, they have worked, none of the MA kids have had to deal with spiritual warfare this week, and after that first night we have all been doing well.
One evening, somebody asked us how we felt about speaking in tongues, I kind of freaked out in my head, I wasn't sure what I thought about this, but I know that some things work for other people and I couldn't judge them for that. I felt very overwhelmed & exhausted up until Thursday, but God worked in me last night and I am doing so much better.
I didn't connect as well with the kids this week as I did in the past week, I barely even knew any of their names, until Expressions (aka cry night) this is a time when the kid's reflect on their week, and most of the time they start looking at their lives and what they can do to be better. I hadn't talked to anyone that whole evening I was just reading my bible, but at the end, Mikel felt as though he wasn't supposed to be talking but somebody else was supposed to be there, so he left the mic open for anyone that had to say anything. A 16 year old boy came to the front with tear filled eyes and told us how he hadn't ever truly given his life to God, up until today. Everyone prayed for him and it connected us so much closer as a group. I felt so blessed to have these kids here and somewhat regretted not giving them a chance at the beginning of the week, because I missed my kids from the past week. God comes when we are at our breaking point, when we need him the most...
During Expressions, I asked God just to speak to me, in a way I could hear him. I heard the word "Love" the next song that came on was about God's love for us, I thought it was so great, when he speaks to us, he reassures us through different things - and this time it was in a song, so precious. I love love, maybe it's because I am head over heals for a Mr Kort, or because I love my family and would do anything for them or because I am falling in love with God at the moment. Whatever the reason, I am happy.
We have all been praying a lot this week, and it has shown, I feel so much better. At the beginning of the week, my negativity was coming through as being judgemental as well, but when those times came, I had to consciously stop myself, and ask God for help and he did.
I knew before I came here, that there would be a time when I would have to tell myself either I start counting down the days till I come home, or I say this is my one shot at doing this and I need to make the most of this. I told Brittni this, and she knew the exact feeling. So I am going to make the most of this, I will live in the moment and I won't countdown until I come home. To think that this experience is almost half way done is crazy, time is flying by, I have met some of the most amazing people, that I will never ever forget.
God will push you as far as you'll let him...
How far are you willing to go?
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Spiritual Warfare & Overwhelmed
It isn't in me to ask for prayer, but in this moment I will.
I, personally, and others from my team have been dealing with some spiritual warfare, the devil is working in the late hours of the night, he is taking us at our most vulnerable of times, our dreams. I ask for your prayer over our nights, that they will be peaceful, that we won't be afraid, and that God will protect us and the devil will not be at work.
Thank you so much,
Tessa
I, personally, and others from my team have been dealing with some spiritual warfare, the devil is working in the late hours of the night, he is taking us at our most vulnerable of times, our dreams. I ask for your prayer over our nights, that they will be peaceful, that we won't be afraid, and that God will protect us and the devil will not be at work.
Thank you so much,
Tessa
Sunday, 19 June 2011
Blessed
Today, as we were walking back to the base from church, my eyes were opened a little bit more, I was getting inappropriate comments from homeless men, I smelt disgusting smells, saw things that I didn't need to see...
I am only now realizing in my life, how truly blessed I am. I just skyped with my amazing, incredible family that I have. With the divorce rate creeping up, it's a blessing to have parents that are still in love with each other. Many people don't have extended family that are close to them, or that love & care so much for them, but I have all of that; I have nothing to be sad about right now. All I need to be working on is my relationship with God, falling in love with him; he deserves it, he deserves all of me.
Today, in church, the pastor was talking about finding our identities. Most people nowadays find their identities in their possessions, but we need to realize that we need to find our identity in Christ, and him alone. A lot of the people here in San Francisco, are dealing with sexual preferences, and they are finding their identity in that; which is horrible.
As I am sitting here, in a basement by myself, my family hundreds of miles away, I can say that I am blessed, I have more than most people could imagine, I have no reason to be upset (okay, maybe I wish I was with my family now, eating steak & potatoes). We need to get our priorities straight, we need to allow Jesus to be first in our lives.
Like I said in my last blog, I think that a lot of Winkler, and the surrounding areas are luke warm christians, because we live in a "Bible Belt" I think we are a lot more prone to do so, we can get caught in the swing of life & focus on things less than God. When I get back from YWAM I want to be on God high, and not let it die out. I want to make a difference in the lives of people in my own community, not only San Francisco. I want people to know how much I love the Lord through how I show my love towards others.
To my family - you are incredible, I could not have asked for better parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. I could not have done this if it wasn't for you, and your support to me, I know that this is making me & has made me a better person and I want to realize my potential, I want to make all of you proud! Love you all & miss you too.... I will see you all in the blink of an eye ;) (as Dad keeps telling me)
Tessa
I am only now realizing in my life, how truly blessed I am. I just skyped with my amazing, incredible family that I have. With the divorce rate creeping up, it's a blessing to have parents that are still in love with each other. Many people don't have extended family that are close to them, or that love & care so much for them, but I have all of that; I have nothing to be sad about right now. All I need to be working on is my relationship with God, falling in love with him; he deserves it, he deserves all of me.
Today, in church, the pastor was talking about finding our identities. Most people nowadays find their identities in their possessions, but we need to realize that we need to find our identity in Christ, and him alone. A lot of the people here in San Francisco, are dealing with sexual preferences, and they are finding their identity in that; which is horrible.
As I am sitting here, in a basement by myself, my family hundreds of miles away, I can say that I am blessed, I have more than most people could imagine, I have no reason to be upset (okay, maybe I wish I was with my family now, eating steak & potatoes). We need to get our priorities straight, we need to allow Jesus to be first in our lives.
Like I said in my last blog, I think that a lot of Winkler, and the surrounding areas are luke warm christians, because we live in a "Bible Belt" I think we are a lot more prone to do so, we can get caught in the swing of life & focus on things less than God. When I get back from YWAM I want to be on God high, and not let it die out. I want to make a difference in the lives of people in my own community, not only San Francisco. I want people to know how much I love the Lord through how I show my love towards others.
To my family - you are incredible, I could not have asked for better parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. I could not have done this if it wasn't for you, and your support to me, I know that this is making me & has made me a better person and I want to realize my potential, I want to make all of you proud! Love you all & miss you too.... I will see you all in the blink of an eye ;) (as Dad keeps telling me)
Tessa
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