For the past few weeks, I have been praying for God to really rock me in the time I have left here, I had been asking for a few weeks, nothing was happening, it was becoming same old same old. Until Friday evening, I go to final debrief with our team. I can tell that something is going on, a few of the leaders aren't there, they are talking to one of the youth. While the kids were talking about their experiences here, one of the youth leaders walks downstairs, with tears in her eyes, as soon as she got the opportunity she told us that one of the girls had a panic attack and was attacked spiritually. She was going in and out of consciousness and couldn't breath. They had to call 911.
My heart was beating so fast, and I got that gross feeling in the pit of my stomach.
She continued to say that we are in a spiritual battle, because the kids have had such an incredible time & God was so evident, Satan wanted to take back ground, he wanted to scare us, try to sway their thinking that this mission trip was not a success.
Everyone stood up and we all huddled together in a group, we all prayed together for a couple minutes, Sam was playing guitar and singing , everyone joined in singing "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then what could stand against" It was SO powerful. Instead of crying and being afraid of what may happen. We worshipped, I broke down, I knew that God was here, he was rocking me, he answered my prayer. I wanted God to rock me because I wanted to come home with a story, that showed how powerful he truly is & always will be, he did just that. Whatever you ask from God, he will answer. The kids belted out these worship songs, we sang for probably half an hour, these kids were incredible, throughout the songs smiles were more evident, I couldn't get my smile of my face. It was such a blessing, God was being so visible in that moment, he was so evident, everybody could feel him.
I will not be working with a team this week, because there is only one small group that will be coming, but I'm happy about that, I ended with probably one of my favourite groups.
I cannot believe that in one week from now, I am on an airplane flying home, I am having such mixed feelings about it. I am so excited to go home, see my family, be back in Winkler, my home. But I am also so sad to say goodbye to the people I have met here, I haven't met better people, they have helped me so much on my spiritual walk, they have helped mould me into the woman of Christ I now am. I will sad to say goodbye to San Francisco, the things that happened here, the emotions I felt here, I truly will leave a piece of my heart in San Francisco, such a beautiful city in many different ways.
This week I will be having a lot of time off, just to really reflect on my time here, having to adjust to going home & going into the "real world" the culture shock that will come with that.
So, Winkler, I will see you in 6 days & 7 sleeps :)
Tessa
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Monday, 1 August 2011
Numb
Coming from a town, of 10,000, no homeless people, drugs are hidden & rare, to a city of 800,000, the most homeless people per capita in all of America, drugs right in your face, is overwhelming to say the least. My first few weeks here, I was the timid little girl, that stood behind everyone else, I never spoke first, I wouldn't walk up to a homeless person, ever.
Now, being here for a few months, I have gotten used to seeing people sleeping on the hard, cold, cement ground, outside of Glide, I am used to people shooting up right in front of me, I am used to getting yelled at. The sad thing is, these things, I have all become numb to.
The other day, I was sitting inside, looking out the window, watching a woman pick through our garbage can, I am used to it, I felt bad for her, but not like I thought I should. If I would have seen someone picking through garbage back home, I would have looked at them so horrifically, I would judge them for being pigs, for touching such unclean things. Now, I see them and I feel bad for them, yet I feel like my heart isn't breaking enough, I wasn't judging the woman, but I didn't feel like I was hurting for her, I wish I could have.
I pray everyday asking God to break me, I don't have much time here, I want him to break my heart, for what breaks his, I want to hurt for these people, I want to feel their pain. I hope that will happen in the few days I have left here.
These people, on the streets, are just like we are, except something went wrong, one little thing happened in their life, in which put them on the streets. The majority of the people living on the streets don't want to be there, but surprisingly, some people choose to live there, they feel more comfortable on the streets then in a house.
I have become numb, I am used to the smell & the sight of human feces and urine while I walk down the street, the smell of marijuana everywhere you go, people talking inappropriately to me on every street corner, women mocking me, calling me names as I walk past them, for no reason, other then the amount of alcohol or powder in their systems.
I know that maybe I still am feeling the hurt that I always have, except I am used to it, I have been in this situation for two and a half months, I know what happens on the streets, maybe I just have more knowledge, I know how to handle myself and conduct myself around them. I know it isn't a bad thing, it is just something I have noticed.
God is working in the Tenderloin though, don't get me wrong.
Yesterday, I was at homeless church and a man was there by the name of John, he knew everything about the bible, I was so surprised, I don't know anything close to as much as he does. People on the streets know the bible, they know the word, they know christianity, yet they just made a few mistakes, doesn't make them horrible people, you would be surprised at the knowledge out on the streets of the Tenderloin.
Tessa
Now, being here for a few months, I have gotten used to seeing people sleeping on the hard, cold, cement ground, outside of Glide, I am used to people shooting up right in front of me, I am used to getting yelled at. The sad thing is, these things, I have all become numb to.
The other day, I was sitting inside, looking out the window, watching a woman pick through our garbage can, I am used to it, I felt bad for her, but not like I thought I should. If I would have seen someone picking through garbage back home, I would have looked at them so horrifically, I would judge them for being pigs, for touching such unclean things. Now, I see them and I feel bad for them, yet I feel like my heart isn't breaking enough, I wasn't judging the woman, but I didn't feel like I was hurting for her, I wish I could have.
I pray everyday asking God to break me, I don't have much time here, I want him to break my heart, for what breaks his, I want to hurt for these people, I want to feel their pain. I hope that will happen in the few days I have left here.
These people, on the streets, are just like we are, except something went wrong, one little thing happened in their life, in which put them on the streets. The majority of the people living on the streets don't want to be there, but surprisingly, some people choose to live there, they feel more comfortable on the streets then in a house.
I have become numb, I am used to the smell & the sight of human feces and urine while I walk down the street, the smell of marijuana everywhere you go, people talking inappropriately to me on every street corner, women mocking me, calling me names as I walk past them, for no reason, other then the amount of alcohol or powder in their systems.
I know that maybe I still am feeling the hurt that I always have, except I am used to it, I have been in this situation for two and a half months, I know what happens on the streets, maybe I just have more knowledge, I know how to handle myself and conduct myself around them. I know it isn't a bad thing, it is just something I have noticed.
God is working in the Tenderloin though, don't get me wrong.
Yesterday, I was at homeless church and a man was there by the name of John, he knew everything about the bible, I was so surprised, I don't know anything close to as much as he does. People on the streets know the bible, they know the word, they know christianity, yet they just made a few mistakes, doesn't make them horrible people, you would be surprised at the knowledge out on the streets of the Tenderloin.
Tessa
Closing In
It's hard to believe that my time here is coming to an end. We only have about a week and a half left of work. These two months have flown by so quickly, I have learned so much in these past months, most people have said I have "grown up" in these months, so neat.
I have mixed emotions about nearing the end here in San Francisco, I am so excited to go home, but I am sad to leave the amazing people I have met here, they have helped me so much in my growth spiritually here. I am leaving the ywam bubble and going to Winkler, back to the real world. I am ready to go home, I love it here, but I know that my heart is in Winkler, with my family.
God worked in incredible ways this summer, I saw him through homeless people, through children, through youth, so many ways. I am excited about my new found faith, the craving I am having for God, I don't want it to leave me when I get home, I want it to intensify, to grow passionately.
I am so excited to see everyone back home, only 13 days left, so incredible!!!!! I have so many stories :)
Tessa
I have mixed emotions about nearing the end here in San Francisco, I am so excited to go home, but I am sad to leave the amazing people I have met here, they have helped me so much in my growth spiritually here. I am leaving the ywam bubble and going to Winkler, back to the real world. I am ready to go home, I love it here, but I know that my heart is in Winkler, with my family.
God worked in incredible ways this summer, I saw him through homeless people, through children, through youth, so many ways. I am excited about my new found faith, the craving I am having for God, I don't want it to leave me when I get home, I want it to intensify, to grow passionately.
I am so excited to see everyone back home, only 13 days left, so incredible!!!!! I have so many stories :)
Tessa
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Baptized
Before I came to San Francisco, I had strongly thought about baptism, but never had the courage to follow through with it. For the past year, every time they would announce Baptism classes, I got that gut feeling, the one where you know you are supposed to do it. I never felt comfortable enough in my church to do it, I wasn't a member and was too scared to go in front of hundreds of people to share my testimony, I know I would have burst into tears right aways, for no reason at all.
When I was getting ready to come here, I told my parents that I may get baptized here, in San Francisco, if I felt God was telling me to, they were on board with me, but I wasn't sure, until the day one of the 360 members from YWAM was getting baptized, I was in my room and really felt like I needed to do it here. I have never had close friends throughout all of my school years, but the day I got here, I felt loved. All the people that I am here with love me, wants what is best for me & care so incredibly much for me. I know I will never find as incredible friends as I have made here, I am so blessed to have them here & I wanted to share this moment with them, because I know for myself I was ready to be baptized and make that commitment a long time ago.
Baptism to me was publicly declaring my love for God, making a commitment to God that I would be in relationship with him, spend time in the bible and praying, and being another step in my faith journey.
Jeremiah 18 has been one of my favourite verses, showing that we need to live God's will for us and not our own, I have found that for myself.
This morning I woke up, and just spent time in God's presence I was listening to music and the song "Dive" by Steven Curtis Chapman really hit me, it's about diving in for God, not caring if you sink or swim, just doing what he wants in our lives...
When we got to the beach, Sam & Mikel played a few worship songs, then Steve talked about what baptism is, then the biggest surprise of all, Katya opened up a piece of paper, that my mom had wrote to me, just for this special day, and let me tell you the tears were flowing, that was really special to me, nobody but my mother can make me cry at a time like that! I shared why I was getting baptized, what it meant to me, and a few verses. Then we went into the water, it was so cold, but my body became numb before I was dunked, so it wasn't as cold then. The waves were crashing against us, is what a really beautiful picture. I wasn't sure what I was going to feel as I was going under, but it was just calmness, no God high, but just a feeling of content and love from everyone. They all gathered around me after & prayed for me, it was really neat, I have never felt as loved as I was right at that moment!
I am so excited that I got to get baptized here, in San Francisco, in the ocean. It's been such a blessing to be here, but I do miss home, and cannot wait to see everyone, especially my family & Roberto!
20 days left lovely people, 20 days!
Tessa
When I was getting ready to come here, I told my parents that I may get baptized here, in San Francisco, if I felt God was telling me to, they were on board with me, but I wasn't sure, until the day one of the 360 members from YWAM was getting baptized, I was in my room and really felt like I needed to do it here. I have never had close friends throughout all of my school years, but the day I got here, I felt loved. All the people that I am here with love me, wants what is best for me & care so incredibly much for me. I know I will never find as incredible friends as I have made here, I am so blessed to have them here & I wanted to share this moment with them, because I know for myself I was ready to be baptized and make that commitment a long time ago.
Baptism to me was publicly declaring my love for God, making a commitment to God that I would be in relationship with him, spend time in the bible and praying, and being another step in my faith journey.
Jeremiah 18 has been one of my favourite verses, showing that we need to live God's will for us and not our own, I have found that for myself.
This morning I woke up, and just spent time in God's presence I was listening to music and the song "Dive" by Steven Curtis Chapman really hit me, it's about diving in for God, not caring if you sink or swim, just doing what he wants in our lives...
When we got to the beach, Sam & Mikel played a few worship songs, then Steve talked about what baptism is, then the biggest surprise of all, Katya opened up a piece of paper, that my mom had wrote to me, just for this special day, and let me tell you the tears were flowing, that was really special to me, nobody but my mother can make me cry at a time like that! I shared why I was getting baptized, what it meant to me, and a few verses. Then we went into the water, it was so cold, but my body became numb before I was dunked, so it wasn't as cold then. The waves were crashing against us, is what a really beautiful picture. I wasn't sure what I was going to feel as I was going under, but it was just calmness, no God high, but just a feeling of content and love from everyone. They all gathered around me after & prayed for me, it was really neat, I have never felt as loved as I was right at that moment!
I am so excited that I got to get baptized here, in San Francisco, in the ocean. It's been such a blessing to be here, but I do miss home, and cannot wait to see everyone, especially my family & Roberto!
20 days left lovely people, 20 days!
Tessa
Friday, 22 July 2011
Temporary Home
Often times, we think that the only people making a difference in this world, religiously, are missionaries. At the beginning of my time here, in San Francisco, I had similar thoughts, I am not doing anything unless I am working away from home, left all my family & friends, and live in a run down apartment, preaching the gospel to those less fortunate. This is false, I can make a difference in my hometown. Today, Steve was teaching, and he said so many times, not everyone is called to get out of their homes, and leave everything to be missional. We can be missional wherever we are.
It has taken me a lot of time to figure that out, and understand that fully, but I know that when I get home, I will be able to make a difference in the lives there. For the first few weeks of being here, I was stubborn, I wasn't allowing God to talk to me or tell me what my other options were, because I had my own plan of what I was going to do after the summer, a few weeks ago God broke me, I made decisions in spite of how others would be affected, I was only thinking about myself. I thought, in that week, that I was going to move to California, and be a missionary, forever, leave everything and everyone back home and start a "new" life here. But a week after this all happened, I started to realize what I had back home, the amazing people that love me unconditionally, even after screwing up & hurting them when I didn't try to. But now I see what I have, and I don't want to leave that, I think God is allowing me to choose, he gives us paths that we can choose from, all are correct, but we have the freedom to choose. God knows we will succeed in all the paths, but it is up to us to decide.
Not everyone here is on board with my choice of going home & not doing a DTS, but I am trusting God that this is what I need to do and I know that I can do things back home to help those in need.
God just wants us to put him first, if we put him first in everything we do, he will be happy. We have to see this world as being our temporary home & heaven being our eternal home. We need to seek after eternal rewards, not those of this world. But God still wants us to have fun in this life, go, do crazy things, have relationships with others, friendships, but first and foremost seek a relationship with Christ, because he is the only one who can truly satisfy us, he never changes, yet this world is always changing.
I have been dealing with understanding my thoughts lately, I have become very quiet and very introverted, yet I don't think it is a bad thing, I am figuring out God's plan for me, not through other people telling me what I should do, but through God & I talking, thinking through what may happen.
God is always good, he will always love us, even when we feel distant from him.
Tessa
P.S. 22 Days people :)
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Rounding the Corner
This week, I am working with a team from Minneapolis, Minnesota. It is so great to have people here from so close to where I am from. The team arrived here yesterday, and will be leaving Saturday morning. They have been really great so far, you can tell that they are from Minnesota, they seem very down to earth, small town USA kids, which I love. They are more intimidated by the people on the streets, and are a little more hesitant, but I hope we can break that, and they will be able to really grow spiritually this week!
Everyone of us summer interns are really feeling that we are hitting the end of this, I know for myself I am not attaching myself emotionally as I have done in the past, I feel like I am now ready to be at home, but I will make the most of my time here, because time will fly by & soon enough I will be home :) so excited.
I have decided to get baptized here, in San Francisco. I will be getting baptized on Sunday, July 24 at 3:00, in the ocean by Steve, who is the director of Mission Adventures & has been with us from the start. I am very excited to take this leap of faith, I feel I have been ready to do this for awhile, I just haven't had the courage to attend classes & had fear of talking in front of hundreds of people. I really feel God is telling me to get baptized here, I never have had close friends, who took me for who I really was, I always had to measure up to something, was always trying to be better then, but here they accept me, and have walked along side me on my spiritual journey. These past few months, I have truly been able to grow spiritually, and I have seen God work countless times. I had to leave the country and get into the YWAM bubble to do it, but I am so glad I did, I have become such a better person, I truly believe that.
I am so excited to bring what I have learned in San Francisco & apply it in Winkler. I want to really make a difference in lives there.
25 days till I see the best people in the whole wide world!!!!
Tessa
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Homesick
This morning, I went with Rachael, Bethany, & David to the Homeless Church, they run it outside, at Embarcadero, which is very close to the water, it is very pretty. The pastor lead everyone in a few songs, then we helped hand out coffee and cookies. The pastor then talked to everyone about having the Holy Spirit inside of you, a man shared his testimony, and it was so encouraging to see, God really does move through homeless people too, sometimes more evidently then ourselves. After, we handed out pancakes & eggs, everyone was so thankful for what they were given, those people are such blessings.
Because I have been working in the kitchen for the past two weeks, I haven't been able to interact with the homeless, which has been disappointing, I can already tell that I am a little more guarded with them, more hesitant to speak with them, but I will pray that God will break down that barrier for the remaining four weeks.
This past Friday, we did something called the Love Feast. We made pasta, salad & dessert, we open the doors to the homeless, we wait on them, serve them, and many of the kids get to sit down and interact with them. I met some of the kids from the MA team that was here only this day, and it was sad because of the 75 kids, I only knew 3 of their names. I met Spencer, Jake & Tyler. They were helping give the dessert away. They were such great, genuine guys, they asked me how old they looked & I said 17, but they actually just turned 16, I couldn't believe it, because I realized they were Brett's age, which totally threw me off, because it just shows how old my little brother is getting to be :) awwwwe.
I told them I was from Canada, so they are going to make a rap for me and post it on my facebook page, I am very excited to hear what it sounds like. It has been hard having so many kids coming through and not being able to connect with them and talk to them about spiritual things, I am so excited for the coming week and what God has in store for the kids, and for myself, every week God has blessed me so much, and each week I have grown as an individual & as a believer.
I have really enjoyed my time here in San Francisco, but I am definitely getting homesick, starting the countdown, wishing sometimes I was in Winkler, rather then San Francisco. But, I know that my time here is short & when I get home, it'll feel like I never left, so I will live in the moment here, but I do miss everyone :)
28 Days till Winkler, Manitoba, Canada :)
Tessa
Because I have been working in the kitchen for the past two weeks, I haven't been able to interact with the homeless, which has been disappointing, I can already tell that I am a little more guarded with them, more hesitant to speak with them, but I will pray that God will break down that barrier for the remaining four weeks.
This past Friday, we did something called the Love Feast. We made pasta, salad & dessert, we open the doors to the homeless, we wait on them, serve them, and many of the kids get to sit down and interact with them. I met some of the kids from the MA team that was here only this day, and it was sad because of the 75 kids, I only knew 3 of their names. I met Spencer, Jake & Tyler. They were helping give the dessert away. They were such great, genuine guys, they asked me how old they looked & I said 17, but they actually just turned 16, I couldn't believe it, because I realized they were Brett's age, which totally threw me off, because it just shows how old my little brother is getting to be :) awwwwe.
I told them I was from Canada, so they are going to make a rap for me and post it on my facebook page, I am very excited to hear what it sounds like. It has been hard having so many kids coming through and not being able to connect with them and talk to them about spiritual things, I am so excited for the coming week and what God has in store for the kids, and for myself, every week God has blessed me so much, and each week I have grown as an individual & as a believer.
I have really enjoyed my time here in San Francisco, but I am definitely getting homesick, starting the countdown, wishing sometimes I was in Winkler, rather then San Francisco. But, I know that my time here is short & when I get home, it'll feel like I never left, so I will live in the moment here, but I do miss everyone :)
28 Days till Winkler, Manitoba, Canada :)
Tessa
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